How to Be There for People When They Need It Most
It can be hard to know how to support a friend in pain. They may be experiencing a loss or pending loss of a loved one, a struggle with physical or mental illness, or disappointing life circumstances. Providing helpful support as you walk with a friend in pain can be beneficial to their recovery and your well-being.
Resist Giving Advice
No matter how satisfying it may feel to offer your wise and insightful advice to a friend, resist giving it. You may have known someone or personally experienced something similar to what your friend is sharing with you.
Your understanding of what your friend is saying is probably different from their understanding of the situation. What is the most helpful for a person sharing something painful in their life is to be validated and listened to.
Validate Their Experiences
Active listening is a skill, so it can be learned and improved. It’s also a gift for a friend in pain. Rephrasing what feelings and facts you hear a person say is one of the main skills in active listening.
Friend: My mom was diagnosed with cancer and I’m so overwhelmed. My relationship with her is shaky and I’m dreading having to deal with my siblings with everything that needs to happen.
Rephrasing: Oh, man, I’m so sorry to hear that your mom has cancer. You’re feeling overwhelmed with what this diagnosis means for your relationship with her as well as dread when you think about having to work with your siblings to coordinate what needs to happen in the future with this whole thing.
State Your Support
Telling your friend you are here for them shows your support in the midst of their pain. Sometimes people do not know what they need right when they receive news about themselves or someone else. It’s appropriate to share your general support without identifying specific ways you can help.
For example, you could say, “Hey, I want to let you know that I’m here for you.”
Suggest Professional Help
If you notice your friend is responding in unhelpful ways that are negatively impacting their life, it may be appropriate to suggest getting professional help. Most people are not trained to intervene in a crisis, and as a friend, that’s not really your role.
Being “on call” and always available to talk with your friend in pain could become draining for you and does not reflect a balanced relationship.
Here are some signs to look out for from the Ad Council’s Seize the Awkward Campaign that may indicate your friend could benefit from getting professional help.
Helping your Friend Find a Therapist
A practical way to help a friend in pain is to assist them in finding a therapist. Maybe you know one from personal experience or one of your networks.
Therapist directories such as Psychology Today and Therapy Den could also be a helpful place to start. Ask around and do some research to put a short list together for your friend.
Since, unfortunately, therapists do not always return new client calls, it would be helpful to find 3-5 potential therapists for your friend to choose from.
You can always reach out to get help in an emergency or crisis situation:
In A Medical Emergency
Call 911 or take your friend to an emergency room.
A medical emergency could include someone who consumed alcohol to the point of passing out, overdosed on drugs (recreational or prescription), or is threatening to hurt themselves and has access to the lethal ways of hurting themselves.
In A Crisis
You can reach out to get help from trained crisis counselors:
Text the Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741)
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline with your friend at 1-800-273-8255
A crisis could be when someone is experiencing severe and painful emotions for any period of time that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Hannah Ly, Guest Blogger, Child Therapist
Hannah is a Child Play Therapist that specializes treating children with anxiety, trauma, and attachment issues. She provides services in-person in San Jose, CA. To learn more about her work visit www.yourtherapynook.com.
