How to Deal with Parental Disappointment: An Asian American Therapist’s Perspective on Parental Dissappointment
“You are not good enough”
“You are behind in life”
“You are a disappointment”
As an Asian American therapist, through experience and training, I know these are words, no child should hear. Yet many of my clients heard them as a child and as an adult. You may still hear these words either internally echoing in your mind, or directly from your parents.
When facing disappointment you may feel stuck or might try to please them or others to prove to your parents you are not a disappointment.
What are the tactics that you use to deal with parental disappointment? And most importantly do they work?
Maybe they only work temporarily before inevitably conflict arises within you.
When you feel resentful or conflicted about parental disappointment, it may be time to change how you deal with it. Here are some valuable tips on dealing with parental disappointment.
Asian American Therapist’s Recommendation#1: Find Support
As a therapist who works with folks with family hurt and trauma, I recommend getting support means which boils down to finding safe people to be around. Safe people are those who you can trust to give you honest feedback about yourselves, and will not judge you. They give you the space to process your feelings and to validate your experience. This could come in many forms such as a safe community, a few trusted friends, or a good therapist. The most important aspect of good support if you feel safe to be your authentic self.
This is important because often growing up, our parents did not give us space to be our authentic selves with feelings and vulnerability. To avoid criticism and parental disappointment, we hide ourselves from them and we replicate these same behaviors with others. Good solid support allows us to unlearn these hiding behaviors and to be authentic with others.
Asian American Therapist Recommendation #2: Separate Your Worth from Parental Approval
Many of my clients in my therapy practice found that growing up, their worth as a child came from their parents. Ask yourself - Were you made to feel valuable even if you made mistakes? Or were you made to only feel valuable when you were good or performed? Maybe you never got any praise and the best was always “ok?”
Whatever the messages (or lack of) were, one of the biggest challenges is separating your self-worth from what your parents told you. This can be challenging because we may also find ways to reinforce those messages in our adult lives by surrounding ourselves with people who say the same things or interpreting messages that people say into the same things that our parents said.
Making a conscious effort to craft new messages may involve surrounding ourselves with new people who can give us accurate, nonjudgemental, and positive messages about ourselves.
This may involve pointing out things that you are good at, positive characteristics about yourselves, or even just saying that you are unconditionally loved and accepted.
These messages serve as a buffer for your sense of self-worth.
Asian American Therapist Recommendation #3: Setting Boundaries with Parents
Boundary setting allows you to minimize hurtful messages that you may receive from your parents. This may mean telling them to not say critical things to you. It’s important to emphasize that you should not try to change your parent’s opinion or perspective on you. That is outside of your control. Rather it’s important to focus on minimizing behaviors that are hurtful such as passive-aggressive comments, or critical statements. These boundaries are meant to protect you from being hurt by your parents.
Dealing with parental disappointment can be a challenging part of growing up and being an adult. But with good support, boundaries, and positive messages, it is possible to deal with it well.
Take Action and Overcome Parental Disappointment Today. See an Asian American Therapist.
If you still find it difficult to deal with parental disappointment, or you find that parental criticism is too triggering, getting professional help such as an Asian American therapist or a trauma counselor can help. Often this can be due to unprocessed trauma and childhood hurting, and therapy can be a way to explore and heal from these experiences.
In my Bay Area Therapy Practice and as an Asian American Therapist I understand the intersectional lens of culture and identities when working through parental disappointment. It’s something I talk about a lot with my clients and help them to move through and find freedom without sacrificing their connection to the people they love. Let’s talk about how counseling can help you. Click below to get started.
About the Author Alex Ly, Asian American Bay Area Therapist
Alex Ly is a therapist serving the Fremont and Bay Area communities, with a specialized focus on trauma therapy and a deep understanding of multicultural issues. As an Asian therapist, Alex integrates cultural sensitivity into his practice, making him a reliable resource for individuals from diverse backgrounds looking for someone who grasps the complexities of their experiences. Whether you're dealing with deep-seated trauma or everyday stressors, Alex creates a welcoming environment where all clients can feel genuinely heard and supported.
Alex excels at building meaningful connections with his clients, delivering tailored therapy sessions that address their unique needs. He’s not just a therapist; he's a facilitator of personal growth and resilience, utilizing proven therapeutic methods to help his clients find their path to recovery and empowerment. If you're seeking a therapist in the Bay Area who truly understands and supports your journey, contact Alex Ly today.
