3 Reasons Family of Origin is Important in Asian American Mental Health - A Bay Area Therapist’s Perspective

As an Asian American therapist with a specialization in trauma, I deeply understand the intricate dynamics of our unique cultural experiences and how they shape our mental health. I’m here to talk about why understanding our own family of origin is not only helpful but crucial in your mental health and healing.
Why, you might ask, does this matter particularly for Asian Americans? Our family of origin – the family we were born into – plays a pivotal role in shaping our beliefs, behaviors, and emotional well-being. This is particularly true in the context of Asian American experiences, where cultural nuances intertwine with familial expectations and personal identity.

But can’t I just deal with my mental health without this stuff?

Why can’t I just fix my depression without this stuff?

I get that sometimes it can be daunting to just think of therapy as more than just quick behavioral changes and reducing symptoms. As a therapist, I have often had to address this with my Asian American clients where the stigma of mental health, the discomfort of not “honoring family,” combined with the pressure to just “get back to life as it was,” makes family of origin work unappealing.

But as someone more interested in real transformative change with my Asian American clients, I believe that trauma work and Family of origin work is important. This work leads to real long lasting change because family of origin work allows you to understand yourself and your hurts better. It then moves you truly understand what does not work in your life Then you can make changes that can impact your well being long term.

Family of Origin  Helps us Destigmitize our Hurts

Despite the need to prop your parents up, or just say “they tried their best,” the reality is that parents (even some of the best) have hurt us at some point.

This can be really difficult for my Asian American clients to face, cause it goes against all the values that they have been taught about needing to honor their parents, or save face.
But one of the hardest things to simply face as an Asian American can be just the fact that your parents hurt you. Because this fact is so hard to face, you build up defenses, even going in the opposite direction by saying “my parents were perfect.” This only adds to the difficulty of doing family of origin work, because if your parents were perfect, then there is no need to talk about them. It’s a good avoidance tactic.

But if we can do family of origin work well, our pain and our hurts has a narrative and a context. It’s not just that “I’m weak,” or “Im just not an emotional person,” we have a root cause. It empowers us to see our challenges not as individual failures but as part of a broader, complex story of intergenerational resilience and survival. By seeing our hurts in the broader context, we are then able to address them more effectively.

If we see our hurts in the broader context of family, we can then begin to see how our hurts and trauma fuels the patterns of behaviors that you exhibit today.

Knowing Your Patterns

If we can take a look at our patterns of behaviors and thinking with a critical lens, we are then able to see the changes we can make. Part of Family of Origin work starts by understanding the root causes of our patterns which is hurt and pain avoidance. As stated earlier, contextualizing our hurts moves us away from the narratives that our patterns are fixed and are therefore changeable and fluid. We can then work on addressing these patterns.

What patterns? Well, thats a good question.

Let’s imagine that you grew up in a family where you were taught to never cry. Every time you cried, you were punished and as a result you closed yourself off from your feelings. Maybe you were shamed, or humiliated when you cried. Or maybe your feelings were minimized because your parents told you that “you have a better life now.” As a result you then learn to never cry or express your feelings as you will end up being hurt and you internalized these messages to minimize your need to express your feelings.

Then you go on with life.
What do you think happens when you don’t express your feelings or are not even in touch with them? Let’s say then you get into a work environment thats stressful. Because you are out of touch with your feelings, you then ignore all the cues your body is giving you about your work environment or how much work you are taking on.

Your feelings are a source of information, and without it you lose valuable information about how much stress you are taking on. Not only that, but you rationalize your situation. Maybe you compare yourself to others. Eventually you won’t be able to take it anymore and you end up with work related anxiety.

But what if you changed these patterns? By understanding that you inability to communicate our feelings comes from parents and upbringing you can dismiss the belief that “I’m just not an emotional person.”

You can instead acknowledge that you do have feelings, we just aren’t good at understanding them. That means that you can change our patterns with dealing with emotions. So instead of dismissing your own feelings, you can learn to listen to them, nurture them, and care for them. That leads to real changes. Sometimes those changes can be difficult, but with familyy of origin work, you can work through the blockages that prevent you from being a healthy individual.

This process is not just about dealing with specific issues like work stress; it's about fundamentally changing how we relate to ourselves and our emotions. It's a journey from avoidance to acceptance, from suppression to expression. By understanding and changing our patterns, we open ourselves to a life where emotional health is not just a concept, but a lived reality.

Making Real Changes

By knowing our patterns, you can more deeply know what kinds of changes you want to make in your life. Often, the challenge in personal transformation isn't just the act of change itself, but knowing what changes to make. Without a deep understanding of our ingrained patterns and where they stem from, we might find ourselves making superficial adjustments that don't address the root of our issues. However, by delving into the nuances of our family of origin, we uncover the core beliefs, behaviors, and emotional responses that have been shaping our lives, sometimes in ways we weren't even aware of.

For example, if you've realized that a pattern in your life is to avoid conflict at all costs, a behavior likely learned from a family environment where conflict was either suppressed or exploded, understanding this pattern is the first step. The real change comes in learning new ways to navigate and address conflict. This could mean developing assertive communication skills, setting boundaries, or simply allowing yourself to express disagreements in a healthy manner.

Therefore, healing from family of origin wounds is not just about dealing with the past. It's about using those insights to create a better present and future. It means actively working to break cycles that have held you back, be it in relationships, career, or your personal growth. This process is inherently transformative. It's not just about healing wounds; it's about building new, healthier ways of being.

Moreover, these changes are not just for our benefit. As we heal and grow, we inevitably impact those around us. We become role models of resilience and emotional intelligence. We contribute to a culture where emotional health is valued and nurtured. In many ways, the changes we make can ripple out, influencing our communities and, perhaps in small but significant ways, contributing to a broader cultural shift.

Bay Area Therapist that Specializes in Family of Origin Work

As a Bay Area Therapist, I get that addressing the root causes of your mental health can be challenging. However, the changes and outcomes are worth it despite the difficulties. It's a transformative process that empowers us to understand ourselves, heal deeply-rooted wounds, and make meaningful changes in our lives. As an Asian American therapist specializing in trauma and family of origin work, I am deeply committed to guiding individuals through this journey of self-discovery and healing.

Contact me for a complimentary 15-minute consultation. In this brief session, we can discuss your unique needs and explore how therapy can support your journey towards healing and personal growth. Whether you're dealing with trauma, struggling with emotional challenges, or simply seeking a deeper understanding of yourself, this consultation is an opportunity to see how we can work together towards achieving your goals.

Remember, taking this first step is not a sign of weakness, but of strength. It's an act of courage and a commitment to yourself and your well-being. You don't have to navigate this path alone. I am here to support and guide you through this journey with empathy, expertise, and a deep understanding of the Asian American experience.