How to have a Healthy Relationships with your Parents: Insights from a Asian American Therapist

Do you want to have a healthy relationship with your parents?

As an Asian American trauma therapist, I understand the intricate layers that come with building healthy relationships with our parents, especially within our cultural context.

This is a challenge that most adults face in their lives as they transition into adulthood. It is a process that can take you several years to figure out and potentially an ongoing process for your whole life.

I understand that you may not have had the best foundation to have a healthy relationship with your parents. Abuse, neglect, poor boundaries, and other forms of lousy parenting make it challenging to have a healthy relationship with your parents.

Even worst is when your parents try to get their own needs met by you through toxic behaviors like manipulation, guilt-tripping, and shaming.

While it is challenging to develop a healthy relationship with your parents, it is possible with time and support.
It may be challenging to develop a healthy relationship with your parents. But it is possible with the right mindset, and framework.

This blog serves as a guide through the tumultuous journey of setting boundaries, communicating effectively, and fostering personal growth. Here, we delve into the challenges and triumphs of bridging generational gaps, acknowledging that while the journey may be tough, the destination of a healthy relationship with your parents is within reach.

Here are ways that you can get started in developing a healthy relationship with your parents:

Asian American Trauma Therapist Step 1: Develop Boundaries First

Developing boundaries with parents is often the most challenging place to start.

Developing boundaries can be challenging, especially if you grew up in a family or culture where saying no to parental requests is not allowed. But this is also one of the most crucial, as boundaries give you space to make decisions, get healthy, and be an individual. In short developing boundaries is about learning how to confidently and clearly say yes or no to your parents.

But boundaries are so important because the foundation of any healthy relationship is the ability to be your person and make your own choices.

If boundaries are a challenge, visit my blog post on how to develop healthy boundaries with parents.

Asian American Trauma Therapist Step 2: Use Assertive Communication

Communication with parents can sometimes be tricky, even if we have assertive communication skills with others. As adults, our communication skills can quickly regress with parents because there is already a built-in style with parents that has existed before. Because it can be easy to slide back into ineffective communication, it requires practice and intention to develop assertive communication with parents.

Assertive communication allows you to communicate your boundaries in a way that is clear and direct. Assertiveness avoids confusion with intent or what you want or do not want to do for your parents.

Asian American Trauma Therapist Step 3: Get Healthy Yourself

Becoming a healthy individual is key to developing a healthy relationship with your parents. This part requires a lot of work, time, and support from others.

Becoming a healthy individual also means developing a sense of identity outside of your parents. Becoming healthy means learning about yourself and pursuing your desires in your life. It also means finding ways to get your unmet needs from childhood met as an adult.

This process can mean different things for different people based on where you are in your life journey and what you need. If there is any confusion about this part, seeing a professional such as a therapist can be helpful as they can pinpoint and guide you in becoming a healthy individual.

Asian American Trauma Therapist Step 4: Accept Them for Who They Are

It becomes easy to accept your parents for the flaws and even the pain that they may have caused you in the past with healthy boundaries. Acceptance means acknowledging for yourself how your parents have fallen short and realizing the good parts they may have had (even if it is not a lot.) Accepting your parents is no easy task, and for the most part, it is probably the part that will take the most time.

Accepting them does not necessarily mean accepting their toxic behaviors that may be hurtful. It is one thing to accept a person but another to accept hurtful behavior from the same person.

The purpose of accepting your parents is to let go of the expectation that they will change. Letting out of this expectation is so that you can avoid building up resentment when they disappoint you.

Trauma Therapy Insight: What is Healthy May Not Mean Closeness

Let's be clear, having a healthy relationship with parents may not always necessarily lead to closeness. Sometimes for a period, being more distant from your parents is necessary to get healing and safety. Other times in your life you may find it easier to be closer to your parents.

Remember that it takes two people to build a safe and healthy relationship. While you may do everything on your part to become healthy, set boundaries, and accept your parents, your parents may not hold up their end of the relationship and are still unhealthy people to be around. This makes being close to your parents difficult and sometimes unobtainable. But your job as an adult is to make sure that you are doing your part to ensure that closeness is possible when they are ready to do their work in becoming healthy.

With these steps, you can get started in developing a healthy relationship with your parents. It may be challenging but possible. If you need more support, seeing a professional such as a therapist can help you in your journey.

See a Culturally Competent Asian American Trauma Therapist

Figuring stuff out with your parents may be challenging and sometimes you need help. Having childhood trauma, being stuck in an unhealthy family role, and dealing with toxic parents as an adult takes a toll on you. Get a therapist who specializes in Trauma and understands your Asian American culture so that you can find the freedom and healing that you need. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation today to learn more about how Trauma Therapy can help you.