How to Deal with Racial Microaggressions:An Asian American Therapist Insight on Dealing with Microaggressions

You may have heard a derogatory term used against you.

Maybe there are microaggressions that you are experiencing at work.

But let's be clear, it affects your mental health and wellbeing.

As an Asian American, I had to deal with my share of racism, from lunchbox shaming to the model minority myth, and more derogatory terms to describe my race.

As a therapist who works primarily with Asian Americans, racism is something that clients struggle with on both an overt and subtle level.

Microaggressions are a form of racism that is subtle yet still painful. I often talk about it like a paper cut. It hurts, yet it is hard to tell from a distance and easy to minimize ("It's not that bad.”) Yet get enough of them, and you will be hurting all over. And like a paper cut, microaggressions do not activate our normal protections. When we cut our fingers with a paper cut, the wound is so minor that it often does not trigger our bodily defenses like blood clotting and scabbing, which minimizes pain.

Likewise, microaggressions are the same because they do not trigger normal defenses like societal outrage by breaking cultural norms. If we try to say something, it can easily be met with dismissal or denial (think "I was just joking" or "You're being sensitive.”) If this goes on enough, it will affect your well-being.

It is challenging to know what to do in these situations and often overwhelming if you are not given the right tools. But I want to offer this as a place to start thinking about microaggressions.

Here is how to deal with microaggressions:

Asian American Therapist, Step#1: Recognize it.

The hardest part is dealing with microaggressions is noticing that it is happening or happened. The part of that difficulty is the subtle nature that allows for microaggressions to be easily dismissed. You might even dismiss them as a friend just joking or not knowing what they are saying in an attempt to avoid conflict or feelings of discomfort.

But one of the most important steps is to see past these inner defenses, acknowledge that something does not sit right with you, and label it as a microaggression. It's important in this mindset to frame a microaggression not about the intent behind behavior but rather how something made you feel.

In long-form short, it's about impact, not the intent which is the main purpose focus.

This means that even racially aware, good, and kind-hearted people can make microaggressions regardless of race, ethnicity, or sexual identity. After all, everyone has their blind spots and racial biases.

The intent is not the focus instead on the impact that microaggressions have on your psyche.

Recognizing and admitting that a microaggression has happened is sometimes the most challenging part because it can pass by so quickly at the moment. But taking the time to pause, and think about what was being said, and how it made you feel is crucial in addressing microaggressions.

Asian American Therapist, Step#2. Take care of yourself first.

Before confronting or doing anything, it is important to make sure that you take care of yourself first. It's crucial here to acknowledge that the best action for one person may be different from another person in identical situations. We are all unique with our own psychological needs that need to be addressed.

In that moment of discomfort, ask yourself, "What do I need right now?"

It may be to step outside and take a deep breath. It may be to say a positive thing about yourself. It may even be leaving the situation to protect yourself.

Knowing what you need during and after is so important because your feelings matter regarding racial microaggressions.

Asian American Therapist, Step#3. Should I talk to them?

The next step is to decide whether to talk to them. This is often the 2nd most challenging part of dealing with microaggressions because it can lead to conflict and potentially more hurt.

However, I do want to state that there are no "right answers" when it comes to whether to talk to someone or not. But a good question to ask yourself is why you want to confront someone. It takes into consideration the context of your relationship with the other person.

Do you value this relationship and want to express yourself to preserve a friendship? Do you want to make the environment you are in safer for yourself and others?

Asking why can help you decide whether you should talk to the person or not.

Next, it’s important to ask whether they are open to receiving feedback or are safe to talk to. Some people are not interested, open, or aware enough about how their actions affect you. It is important to consider that for your safety and needs. If in doubt, go back to step two and discuss what you need at the moment.

Asian American Therapist, Step #4: Express needs/boundaries.

Suppose you want to talk to the person. In that case, it's essential to be clear in expressing your boundaries and how their actions affected you.

Expressing boundaries and making requests is about being heard and asking for corrections and changes in behavior. This could be as simple as requesting not to use a word or pointing out a racially offensive comment. Make it clear how these behaviors made you feel

In addition, make the behavior the problem rather than the person. Calling someone a racist in anger or shaming them can be counterproductive in getting your needs met.

What is not necessary, however, is educating the person. Remember that it is not your responsibility to educate the person on being racially sensitive or aware. If you trust the other person, you may have these conversations, but educating the person should not be a prerequisite to complying with your needs or responsibilities. Requesting education is often a defensive response to microaggressions rather than owning responsibility and changing their behavior.

Suppose a person gets defensive by dismissing, ignoring, or becoming aggressive. In that case, it may be appropriate to end the conversation and take care of yourself.

Unfortunately, defensiveness is very common, and you do not need to burden yourself by overcoming or navigating their defenses.

Asian American Therapist, Step#5. Talk about it with someone.

Dealing with microaggressions and confronting someone can be a draining ordeal, even if it goes well. Microaggressions are painful to deal with and exhausting to deal with. Talking to a friend who understands or a therapist can be a great way to help yourself process your feelings about the ordeal. Talking to others who have been through the same situation may even help you feel less alone about your situation.

Equally as important, voicing your experience builds awareness for allies and helps other people of color find their voice. Microaggressions and racism happen to various degrees to people of color. Often it can be easy to just keep these experiences to yourself, but sharing your experience with others may allow others to share their experience and find solidarity.

See an Asian American Therapist in The Bay Area

Dealing with microaggressions can be challenging, and emotionally taxing. If racism is taking a toll on your mental health and well-being, seeing a professional such as a therapist or counselor can help. If you are an Asian American who wants a therapist that understands and affirms your culture I can help. I specialize in helping Asian American adults who struggle with various intersectional identities and are self-critical find freedom, direction, and clarity. Contact me today for a free consultation to get the healing you desire.