How to Set Boundaries with Parents - A Guide from an Asian American Therapist

Dealing with controlling parents and setting boundaries can be challenging.

As an Asian American therapist in the Bay Area, I recognize the deep-seated challenges you might face in setting boundaries with your parents. This blog serves as a guide to help you through this complex process. We'll explore how to articulate your boundaries clearly, communicate effectively, and remain calm in the face of conflict. Remember, setting boundaries is not just about asserting your independence; it's about building healthier, more respectful relationships with your parents.

In an earlier article, I talked about how to deal with controlling parents. One of the items I listed was the necessity to set boundaries with your parents.

But this can be challenging, especially if there has been a history with your parents where they never discussed boundaries. It is even more challenging if you are part of a culture or family background that values family above individual choice and freedom. Even a simple "no thank you" can spark conflict and pushback.

Setting boundaries can be complicated and difficult when getting started. It brings up conflicts with others and can cause internal conflicts as you wrestle and deal with painful feelings.

Come up with a List of Boundaries.

What do the boundaries you have to look like with your parents? Do you want them to influence you less with their opinions? Do you want to spend less time with them?

Envisioning and being clear about what you want is so important. Often it can be easy not to have clarity on what you want and to leave it possible to have your boundaries violated.

An excellent way to see what you want as a boundary is to be aware of how you feel when interacting with your parents. Are there things that they do that bother you and feel intrusive? How do you want them not to intrude into your life?

Asking these questions for yourself is an excellent way to reflect on what kinds of boundaries work for you.

Communicate Well with Your Parents

Communicating well with parents means being able to state what you need clearly.

Using tools like "I" statements, stating how things make you feel, and politely making requests are essential. Focus on clearly stating what you want and what your limits are. There are many ways to communicate with parents but when is most important is the manner and tone of this communication. Learning to stay calm, grounded, and nonreactive is crucial in ensuring that your boundaries are respected.

Staying calm can often be difficult, mainly because of all the negative feelings associated with setting boundaries, which can often be challenging.

Practicing self-compassion and exercises that help you stay calm can help you with managing reactive feelings.

Be Prepared for Conflict.

Yes, setting boundaries can cause further conflict, and it can be easy to cave in when conflict arises to defuse it.

But when it does arise, going back to healthy communication and staying calm and grounded is the key to holding your boundaries.

Conflict arises because your actions in boundary-setting can make others uncomfortable. These conflicts are often an attempt to reduce that uncomfortable feeling and reestablish the type of boundary-less relationship that was there previously.

Having conflict do not mean that you are a bad person, or that you are necessarily in the wrong. Often avoiding the conflict or giving in can make it difficult to set boundaries because you lose the chance to effectively communicate your independence and desires.

Practicing Non-Judgment and Acceptance

If parents push back, or if the situation does not go favorably, you can practice nonjudgement towards your parents to help you ride out the storm. It can be easy to react and be drawn into more conflict and drama to have your parents see things your way or for them to understand. But trying to change them often misses the point of setting boundaries, to begin with, which is more about protecting yourself so that you can live the life you want.

Trying to change your parent's opinions can lead to more bitterness and resentment, ultimately hurting yourself. Accepting your parents for where they are is challenging to do and can often lead to disappointment, sadness, and grief about the change in relationship dynamics.

These feelings are normal and part of the pain that often comes with setting boundaries with parents. This process of acceptance is a process that can take time.

Seek Professional Help if Needed. See an Asian American Therapist to get Started

It is possible to be stuck on each of the steps listed above. If that is the case, seeking professional help such as a therapist or counselor can help you. Seeing a therapist will give you a space to explore deeper hurts, traumas, and feelings that are keeping you stuck from moving forward.

If you are interested in seeking professional help, my guide on How to Find a Therapist can help you.

Setting boundaries with parents is one of the biggest challenges in adulthood, especially if you come from a culture or family background that values family above individual choice. It can bring up feelings of guilt and shame in the process. But knowing how to set boundaries well is key in becoming an emotionally healthy individual and can lead to better relationships with others in the future.

Setting boundaries with controlling parents is a journey fraught with emotional hurdles and cultural nuances, especially within Asian American families. As an Asian American therapist in the Bay Area, I am uniquely positioned to understand and address the challenges you face.

My approach is centered around empathy, respect for cultural values, and a deep commitment to your personal growth. Whether you're struggling with guilt, conflict, or a sense of loss, I am here to help you navigate these emotions and develop the tools you need for effective communication and self-care. Together, we can work towards building a life where your choices are respected, and your boundaries are honored. Don't let fear and uncertainty dictate your life. Reach out now, and let's take the first step towards a more empowered and balanced future.