How to Deal with Controlling Parents as an Adult: Insights from a Trauma Therapist

I CAN'T STAND THEM!

WHAT DO I DO WITH MY PARENTS

This is the silent protest that you experience but can't say directly to your parents. You feel trapped and unsure about what to do. Even if you don't live with your parents, they can still be present in your life.

Your decisions and choices are dictated by the expectations and perceived responses of your parents.

It can be hard to deal with controlling parents, even as an independent adult. And often, it can be challenging to differentiate between what we want and our parents.

If you are struggling with that, know that you are not alone and that there is a way forward.

I listed the 3 things you can do to start dealing with your controlling parents.

Bay Area Therapist Insight: Develop Your Own Identity and Values

Controlling parents hinder your abilities to develop your identity, preferences, and choices. Your parents make it difficult because you often have to consider their responses and approval before coming up with your own ways to live.

One way controlling parents get leverage is by using their disapproval and guilt to make you feel awful.

It is rough having parents that use guilt to control you. But if you develop your own sense of values, that feeling of guilt can be managed.

Having your own sense of values allows you to compare your values with your parents.

It allows you to develop your own sense of what is right or wrong independent of your parents' thoughts. And being independent of your parent's guilt allows you to be more in touch with your feelings and develop limits and boundaries.

Set Limits and Boundaries, Tips from a Trauma Therapist

Boundaries are IMPORTANT.

You need boundaries with your parents.

A common misconception is that boundaries need to be rigid, strict, and extreme. Sometimes they need to be, but that may not always be the case, especially with parents. It can be tricky to navigate setting appropriate boundaries and limits with your parents.

The most challenging part of setting boundaries with parents is making sure that they are firm enough, to begin with. It can be uncomfortable to set these boundaries with parents and often brings up conflicts with parents.

But no matter how they look, boundaries need to exist.

Every healthy relationship has boundaries; it can just look different based on what you need with each person. Having boundaries can be tricky with parents, especially if there is a lack of boundaries with people in general. But it is helpful to learn how to develop them.

If you have difficulty setting boundaries, a great resource is to read Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. This book offers practical tips and suggestions for how to set boundaries and why they are important.

Get Support and Help. See a Trauma Therapist in the Bay Area

Trying to deal with controlling parents often can cause breaks in relationships. Losing family support or damaging your relationship with your parents can be threatening.

That is why it is essential to have relationships and support. Helpful, compassionate, and kind friends, mentors, and other family members can be excellent listening ears. They can offer feedback and support when needed. Seeking out professional help like therapy can be a significant support source when other supports are not available.

I often tell clients that you cannot let go of something unless you find a suitable replacement.

Dealing with controlling parents can often mean losing support. Making sure that you have support as a fallback is helpful. Remember that everyone has a need to feel that they belong and are not isolated. Getting support and help makes sure that you will get your needs met.

Dealing with controlling parents is hard. But with these simple steps, you can learn to deal with your controlling parents and become a healthier individual.

If it becomes a problem, seeking professional help such as a therapist or counselor can help.

Do you struggle to set boundaries with your parents? Seeing a therapist can help. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to learn more.

Read More! Trauma Therapy Resources

About The Author, Alex Ly - Trauma Therapist in the Bay Area

Alex Ly is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Fremont, CA, providing in-person therapy for individuals in the Bay Area. As an Asian American therapist, Alex offers a culturally sensitive approach to therapy, assisting clients in managing their mental health challenges. With specializations in trauma therapy, anxiety therapy, and brainspotting, Alex creates a supportive and empathetic environment for clients to address their emotions and experiences, promoting healing and personal development.